Horrorscapes for December 2008

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Horrorscapes are for entertainment purposes only. Seriously. I mean it. What, you think this stuff is actually gonna happen? If you do, please remain calm and do what the nice men in the white coats tell you.

Horrorscapes is brought to you by the following:

An embarrassing mutation causes you extreme social distress as you are shunned by your peers and excluded from social activities, but don't dispair. That special ability of yours will make you the youngest team leader ever. Tonight: Let your inner light guide you through the fog of uncertainty.

You and your companions find your destiny guided by a very special star tonight. Asking questions appears to win you friends, but beware of authorities with hidden agendas. Tonight: Don't be stingy, go for the expensive gifts.

As the big day approaches, you discover that your avian friend is rapidly gaining weight. It is appropriate to respond to the situation with stuffing and yams. Blessings come your way after you discover that you are unable to put a ha'penny in the old man's hat.

Your life is turned upside-down this month as your true love showers you with ridiculously expensive gifts, including live birds, musicians and dancers and a dairy-for-hire. Keep the rings, but let him know that he needs to learn frugality.

Big changes are ahead. Contemplating your past, present and future with the help of your spiritual advisors proves enlightening. Generosity will ensue, followed by merriment, benevolence and Tiny Tim learning to walk. Tonight: Locking the door ain't gonna do a darn thing.

Attempting to capitalize on the success of your blockbuster space-opera with a cheesy Christmas special deals a humiliating blow to your reputation as a filmmaker. You can attempt to buy up every single copy of the special ever made, but it's too late. It's already on YouTube. The best you can do is hope to distract everyone's attention by putting the wrinkled muppet in a swordfight.

Your frustration with the festivities leads you to dress up as Santa Claus and rob the townsfolk blind. A sudden revelation results in a reversal of character as well as the acqisition of super-strength. Later, everything will be put into alarming perspective when you discover you are living on a speck of dust.

Your nightly routine of watching the animals is disrupted when the heavens open up and an angel choir reveals news of a world-altering event. Don't worry, they're just bringing you good tidings of great joy. Tonight: Get into town to see what they're talking about, man!

Forcing Tommy to eat a bug and filling the sugar bowl with ants results in a severe lack of Christmas presents. Best to try to atone for being nuttin' but bad by wishing everyone a merry Christmas. Too bad you're still missing those two front teeth. Tonight: Black Pete is gonna get you!

Hold onto your hat, literally. Time is short for you right now, so run and have some fun before it melts away. Take the kids into town to see the sights, but try not to alarm the traffic cops. Tonight: seek refrigeration.

Now is the time to be generous to your fellow man. Also your fellow otter. If you have any extra cash lying around, use it to feed a hungry otter. Send him presents, too. Toys are especially appreciated. Pokemon, transformers and leggos are all good choices, but cash is best. Tonight: Leave fish on the table instead of cookies.

Your skating party is ruined when a mean-spirited friend asks you how big, fat Santa Claus, who's built like a dump truck, gets down all those skinny little chimneys. Enlist the help of children, monsters and frogs to aid you in your quest for answers. Tonight: work on getting the snuffleupagus' feet out of the decorative barrel.