Horrorscapes for January 2008

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Horrorscapes are for entertainment purposes only. Seriously. I mean it. What, you think this stuff is actually gonna happen? If you do, please remain calm and do what the nice men in the white coats tell you.

Horrorscapes is brought to you by the following:

When you dress yourself today, Venus recommends bright colors. Neptune, however, prefers you wear earth tones. This causes an argument between the two planets resulting an a brawl which earns Neptune three weeks in a detention star system and places the poor moon of Umbriel in foster care.

There's no horoscope for you this month because you didn't use the one I gave you last month. Don't you realize how hard the stars work making these things? Show a little gratitude.

You are surprised to find that your sign has been revoked for playing the wrong lucky numbers. You have been reassigned to the sign of the big dipper. Try not to let it bother you too much when everyone laughs at you because of it. Tonight: Eat a big bowl of hamburger and olive ice cream.

This month, you find opportunity to excel, leaving lesser individuals in the dust and climbing your way rapidly to the top. You achieve all that you desire and stomp anyone who gets in your way. Boy are you a jerk.

That fly whose wings you pulled off when you were two has been reincarnated as a rhinosceros and he's coming to get you. Massive outbreaks of cold sores on your lips will give you a new perspective on life. Tonight: relax and look forward to tomorrow.

Saturn might be persuaded to improve your love life if you treat it really nicely. Try making it pudding. A LOT of pudding. Saturn is a growing planet, you know. Try not to say anything about it's F-ring, though. It's kind of sensitive about that.

Chill, okay? Just chill. Just because you had your wings pulled off in a past life does not give you the right to go after someone with power tools. Think pleasant thoughts and go get your horn waxed. Your lucky numbers are one and two.

You're screwed this month. Love: abysmal. Money: forget it. Friendship: laughable. Work: Start reading the want ads. Sleep: Nightmares. Health: abominable. The problem most likely stems from the fact that your lucky star just went supernova. Have a nice day!

Your webpage featuring five hundred different photos of toes unexpectedly wins a major award. The cash prize which accompanies it allows you to retire, buy a mansion and marry a supermodel. Just kidding.

Your search for love is over! This coming Thursday, you will find sixty gallons of slightly used love for sale on Ebay for a bid of $23.67. Storing it may be a problem, however. Tonight: Use putty.

The wheel of fortune has come up "bankrupt", leaving you completely unable to buy any vowels. As a result, you are forced to change your name to Mck Jnshn and eliminate from your diet any cereal with O's in it.

You hit a new low today as your website featuring completely fabricated horroscopes manages to tick off readers all over the world. In addition, you will find that you are unable to finish working on said horroscopes before the power company shuts off yo