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Horrorscapes are for entertainment purposes only. Seriously. I mean it. What, you think this stuff is actually gonna happen? If you do, please remain calm and do what the nice men in the white coats tell you.
Horrorscapes is brought to you by the following:
AIRES / HAWK:
Tough decisions lay ahead when your evil clone threatens the earth and you must choose between stopping him and saving your shiny new starship. Tonight: Explore your options with that severed head.
TAURUS / BEAVER:
Your plans for getting all of your Christmas shopping done early backfire when you discover that it is illegal to mail a goat. Alternative uses of analgesic creams will soon have you screaming "IT BURNS!"
GEMINI / DEER:
Now is not a good time to slack off on your job as bungee cord safety inspector. If you do, well... hide. Those shoes you have been wanting will be on sale come Friday. Unfortunately, by then, you will have flippers.
CANCER / FLICKER:
That thing you brought home from the grocery store is not a pie. Do not eat it. Rather, make sure he is equipped with everything he needs to deal with the elephant in the other dimension.
LEO / STURGEON:
That thing which brought you from the grocery store is not an egg. Do not ask about hatching him or you will be sorry. You might also be interested to know that your milk is going to spoil. ...eventually.
VIRGO / BEAR:
Your grades improve in art class when you finally come to the realization that human hands do not have seaweed for fingers. Also, the phone is about to ring in 3.. 2.. 1... If the phone didn't ring, you're reading this horroscope too soon.
LIBRA / RAVEN:
Actual shaving cream does not go with razor clams. Remember that when your cooking experiment costs you that dream job on TV. Potatoes are your friends. Artichokes, however, hate you. Tonight: Do your primal scream, but not in front of the police.
SCORPIO / SNAKE:
The position of Gamalon indicates that you must retrofit an old 20th century submarine with FTL engines and undertake an epic journey with a crew of anime sailors and some ugly marines. Tonight: make sure that weird thing is edible.
SAGITARIUS / ELK:
Your experiments with growing wings on humans backfires when you suddenly transform into a turkey. ...the day before Thanksgiving. You really should have seen that coming. Tonight: Take the cone away from the monkey.
CAPRICORN / GOOSE:
Darwin IV is in retrograde, meaning that it is a bad time to sail the amoebic sea, as you're certain to be stepped on by one of those sea-strider things. ...Or it could mean that everyone in your family is about to turn into a lungfish. I'm never sure.
AQUARIUS / OTTER:
Someone is about to place a curse on you. To avoid it, send a dollar to the address at the bottom of your screen. Seriously. For real. Would I lie?
PISCES / COUGAR:
Your compassion leads you to explain to your Aquarius friend that nobody is trying to curse him and his horroscope is a scam. Consequently, you get cursed too. Now cough up the dollar.