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Horrorscapes are for entertainment purposes only. Seriously. I mean it. What, you think this stuff is actually gonna happen? If you do, please remain calm and do what the nice men in the white coats tell you.
Horrorscapes is brought to you by the following:
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HORRORSCAPES
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AIRES / HAWK:
You will be extremely distressed this Friday to discover that you have developed breasts cancer. Fortunately, since you are an adolescent, female, anthroporphic crab, the situation becomes happier when you add the proper punctuation. Tonight: Lemon and butter.
TAURUS / BEAVER:
You have the incredible fortune to become the recipient of a magic potato. Sadly, you will not realize this until after you have eaten it. Be sure to chew your food or you will have to have a pumpkin extracted through your nose.
GEMINI / DEER:
Remember to research the unusual critical weaknesses of the new form you are cursed to assume beforehand. This will ensure maximum success in your indescriminately destructive rampage when you are forced to transform under the gibbous moon.
CANCER / FLICKER:
Fox hunting is highly illegal. Hunting television executives: not so much. This keeps you out of prison when you react badly to having your show about a gender-confused nectarine tree rejected. Tonight: You're not a jellyfish.
LEO / STURGEON:
Your refusal to speak anything but l33t results in extremely lonely lifestyle. It does, however, lead to having a beautiful girlfrind, provided you find cows aesthetically pleasing. Next Tuesday, avoid the talking donut.
VIRGO / BEAR:
A walnut is not worth your life. When confronted by the ten-foot squirrel six minutes from now, just hand it over. The solutions to your three biggest problems this month:
1. Duct tape. 2. 10w40. 3. Bang the rocks together.
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LIBRA / RAVEN:
Here are the answers for that big test you've been dreading.
1. London. 2. Neuclear fission. 3. Baseball. 4. Yeah!
Tonight: Make sure to get internal organs included, or your transformation into a rat could get uncomfortable.
SCORPIO / SNAKE:
With the cheetah in the house of funk, twisted cylinder corn based snackfoods that smell like BO become the best dietary choice for you at this time. Your future will benefit from the knowledge that the letter Q is not edible.
SAGITARIUS / ELK:
Because of the position of Uranus, dressing in a burka, strapping a scuba tank to your back and making hate speech videos results in a severe loss of romantic prospects. Tonight: buy several bottles of aspirin.
CAPRICORN / GOOSE:
Because Eternia is in retrograde, drinking more than 99 cups of coffee will result in being shunted into hypertime. You should know that the aliens are trying to kill you, but only when you're not looking. Oh... and stop picking your nose. It's disguting.
AQUARIUS / OTTER:
A sudden inversion of yin and yang results in your being savagely mauled by cute, fluffy bunnies. Furthermore... Oh, that's just gross. You do NOT want to know what Pluto just indicated. Um... wear a helmet.
PISCES / COUGAR:
3.141592653
58979323846
26433832795
02884197169
39937510582
09749445923
07816406286
20899862803
48253421170
67982148086
51328230664
70938446095
50582231725
35940812848
11174502841
02701938521
10555964462
29489549303
8196... Oh wait... this isn't your horroscope. It's my math homework. Never mind.
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