Horrorscapes for May 2007

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Horrorscapes are for entertainment purposes only. Seriously. I mean it. What, you think this stuff is actually gonna happen? If you do, please remain calm and do what the nice men in the white coats tell you.

Horrorscapes is brought to you by the following:

You thought things would work out with your new significant other, but this thursday, you realize that the amount of beer required to make them attractive would probably kill you. By the way, we're going to need you to flush twice.

Consuming an entire semi could prove hazardous to your colon. Six times seven is fourty-two. Try not to ignore the small, furry animal with the bizarre glasses. He might be able to save you from the killer android.

Not everybody agrees with you that Solomon was a wise man, especially pigs. To avoid being sued, place blame squarely on an inanimate metal object. Inanimate objects have no legal rights. At least Mercury doesn't think so.

In your case, telling you about the tormentuous, gut-wrenching, mind-boggling deadly evil that is coming may cause a temporal paradox. So just keep smiling. Tonight: Use up the last of your groceries.

The convergence of Tethys and Telesto indicates that you're about to die a tragic and horrible death while stranded in a frozen wasteland. Oh... wait... That's not Tethys, that's just some hornet droppings on the lens. So... Frozen wasteland, but no death. Enjoy!

A freak temporal anomaly leaves you feeling as though you're repeating events. A freak temporal anomaly leaves you feeling as though you're repeating events. A freak temporal anomaly leaves you feeling as though you're repeating events.

The virgos and the aireses are planning to con you out of billions of gumballs. Now is a good time to listen to those voices in your head telling you to run into a crowded school library and fire off a string of showtunes. Tonight: Put your pants back on.

Diamonds are not food. Remembering this may help you both in your social life and in your finances. Gasoline does not belong in your pocket. Tonight: Avoid the lynch mob.

The proxomity of Talax and Tegrin indicates that you are not a chicken. Unless of course, you are, in which case, never mind. Avoid wearing any article of clothing that is on fire. Tonight: Take a bath. Please. You need one.

Your lucky star has just been demolished by a vogon constructor fleet to make way for a hyperspace bypass. The good news is that your enemies won't kill you because they're really impressed by your fabulous hair.

Last month, I told you to eat a mango. But you didn't listen! Why didn't you listen?! If you had listened, you wouldn't have needed that emergency tail amputation and you'd have the money you need to spend on a new X-box.

First, go put some clothes on. Public nudity could seriously jeapordize your secret identity. Avoid objects with a silent E in them. Tonight: Don't practice canibalism.