Horrorscapes for April 2007

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Horrorscapes are for entertainment purposes only. Seriously. I mean it. What, you think this stuff is actually gonna happen? If you do, please remain calm and do what the nice men in the white coats tell you.

Horrorscapes is brought to you by the following:

Paranoia is the order of the day as you realize that the libras and the virgos are plotting against you in a huge gumball-related conspiracy. Pirates and evil twins are your best allies. Tonight: For pity's sake, take the red pill!

The weather is against you today, causing you to be late for work when your car is blocked by an enormous drift of saurkraut. Wear an alluminum hat if you wish to avoid alien mind control.

Misfortune befalls you when you test positive for LSD. Happily, it is only a false positive caused by wearing 3-D X-ray glasses. Be certain to breathe helium at that important job interview.

In your case, telling you about the tormentuous, gut-wrenching, mind-boggling deadly evil that is coming may cause a temporal paradox. So just keep smiling. Tonight: Use up the last of your groceries.

The position on Ceres indicates that you... oh my goodness! You WHAT?! Oh, that is twisted! You are one sick puppy! Get away from me right now!

The aireses and the libras are conspiring to con you with an elaborate gumball scheme. Your best bet is to fall for it hook, line and sinker. Remember that buying a whole chicken does not mean that you can put the entire bird back together.

The virgos and the aireses are planning to con you out of billions of gumballs. Now is a good time to listen to those voices in your head telling you to run into a crowded school library and fire off a string of showtunes. Tonight: Put your pants back on.

We're running short on horroscopes, so you'll have to share one with Sagitarius. Sorry.

The position of Alderan indicates that you are in for some wonderfully good fortune in the areas of love, money, health, popularity and tricked-out cars. At least it would, had Alderan not been anihilated by the death star. Rotten luck, that.

The convergence of Telesto with Dione B tells us that it is imperative you go to the Pandora gift shop and buy lots and lots of merchandise. Seriously. Would the stars lie? Hurry up and spend your money before it's too late!

Mars alligns with Coruscant in the near future, indicating that you should invest heavily in new games for obsolete systems. However, Andoria is in retrograde in the house of Moe, indicating that Mars is lying. Tonight: Eat a mango.

It's a bad time to be a pisces. The catholic church will soon determine that pisces may be eaten on Friday. Invest heavily in lemon, butter and tartar sauce. Tonight: Out of the frying pan, into destiny.