Horrorscapes for March 2007

More Horrorscapes | Previous Horrorscape | Next Horrorscape | Latest Month

Horrorscapes are for entertainment purposes only. Seriously. I mean it. What, you think this stuff is actually gonna happen? If you do, please remain calm and do what the nice men in the white coats tell you.

Horrorscapes is brought to you by the following:

Your inability to distiguish an albino buffalo from a sheep may prove strangely advantageous. Keep your coffee away from magical creatures. Tonight: Try not to think about where those cookies came from.

Thinking about the color yellow could prove costly, especially in situations where radio waves and giant rats are concerned. Don't be afraid to kiss that special someone, but remember that you ARE capable of photosynthesis when you plan your future.

A pleasant day at work turns sour when a legion of borg show up and begin assimilating everyone. Aerasol cans prove especially important, but try not to get the poisons mixed up with the squeezy cheese. Tonight: Fix a batch of Fajita Burritos.

The fact that your brain has no physical contact with your body allows you to create a stunning Halloween costume. Too bad it's not Halloween. Crayons figure prominently in your romantic life, especially Olive Green.

You find yourself torn while trying to decide between treasure hunting and saving the world. Fortunately, your greed wins out. Thanks for nothing. See if the world comes to you for help again. Loser.

Telepathic communication with inanimate objects takes you a long way toward your goal of raising the dead. Keep in mind that your friends do not have the ability to function with severed heads. Tonight: Apologize for that botched assassination.

You cannot pass yourself off as a basket of fruit no matter how well you act. Your casting director decided you need a new villain and forces you to play opposite a giant chicken. And no, you can't eat him.

You'd like to do what your friends are doing, but are saddened to discover that your limbs simply don't bend that way. Marriage to a large Japaneese waterbird is not a good idea at this time. Chineese waterbirds are okay, though. Just don't wear prison stripes to the wedding.

A quick examination of your pants reveals that they are on fire. Dark magic may be the answer to your problems. Just bear in mind that you're going to wish you had arms. Tonight: The landlord is going to charge you extra for your horse.

You're going to wish you paid more attention in High School when you find yourself fending off an attack by mutant zombie cetaceans. You finally master your mother's cooking techniques. Too bad Mom was a horrible cook. Tonight: Beans don't belong in your ears.

A spontaneous transformation results in your being propelled to stardom as the greatest animal actor ever known. Now if you could just learn to use the litterbox... A second transformation seriously complicates your search for the perfect mate. Tonight: Roll over. Sit. Beg. Good dog.

Get that thing out of your mouth. You don't know where it's been. Your affinity for rust makes you some wonderful new friends, but you should know that it's not the rusty nails which are bleeding. Tonight: 20 CC's of darnitol, fed intravenously.