Horrorscapes for September 2006

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Horrorscapes are for entertainment purposes only. Seriously. I mean it. What, you think this stuff is actually gonna happen? If you do, please remain calm and do what the nice men in the white coats tell you.

Horrorscapes is brought to you by the following:

Be very careful not to mistake your easily offended neighbor's tuba for a toilet. Cauliflower figures prominently in your dealings this month. Others will not see you in a good light it you step on cute little kittens. Don't bother fixing the car. It's just going to blow up again.

Don't even think about knocking over that liquor store you've been eyeing this week. Your best course of action tight now is to lock yourself in the bathroom and never come out. Later this month: Don't move. Something's crawling up your back.

You are going to find out that mushrooms and marshmallows are not the same thing. Kidney dialysis will be complicated when a dwarf in a plaid leotard switches your eqipment with a diesel engine as a joke. Your stuffed animals are still wondering where you are.

Your family will be very surprised when you tell them about your weird fascination with words that end in L-Y. With ceres in retrograde, you will finally be able to eat those strawberries that you're horribly alergic to. Go ahead and throw a party for your skunk friend. Make it a surprise party.

The stars predict that you'll waste an entire month playing Sudoku. As you're taking your solo flying test, remember that pudding and electrical tape do not mix. Later this month: try not to change the number of dimensions you occupy in physical space.

Call your boss a fat jerkwad then give him a boquet of flowers with a little teddy bear. Exciting things will follow. Be sure to drink large amounts of prune juice every time you go on a long drive. Keep a straight face when someone sticks you on the back of a "my little pony".

Your dog hates you, and he's not alone. Your secret identity is comprimised when a newspaper photographer catches you changing your clothes in the alleyway. Remember- trash does not qualify as a pet.

Make friends with the crazy one at work. She's the only one who isn't plotting against you. Exercize caution when the mad scientist living in your basement offers you a free boob job. Oh, and your cooking stinks.

You may be able to foster sympathy in others if you stick a fork in the back of your hand and run around the office screaming. Invading aliens frustrate your plans this coming Sunday. Drinking coke and swallowing pop rocks brings good fortune.

You feel a compulsion to listen to the palindrome song backwords to see if it sounds the same. Now is not a good time to experiment with drain cleaner. Your invisible friend turns out to be lying to you, but don't be angry. You're just so gullible he can't resist.

If you've been thinking of leaving your parents' house and living in a dirt hole at the river's edge, now is the time to do it. Avoid playing basketball with a team of sasquatches. Later this week: Bubble gum is your friend. How weird.

You finally come to the realization that you are a potted plant in a man's body. As the truth sinks in, you spiral down into a bottomless pit of despair and self-loathing. Enjoy the trip! Try to avoid Virgos swinging sharp knives.