In the meantime, Roly and Artichoke have managed to recuperate and are now busy engaging in idle conversation in some different location. Roly seems to think they make a great team; yeah, if you don’t count the fact that you guys just royally botched the one operation you ever attempted. Artichoke seems to agree, though since his ship is just a one-man crew I think he’s saying that simply so he can actually talk down to somebody for once. As if to confirm my suspicions, he offers to let Roly join his crew and sail the seven seas. Roly goes all bug-eyed at this idea, as it would mean letting the whole world know of his talents. Yeah, that and getting to eat nothing but ship’s biscuits and constantly having to fight off scurvy. But at least if you fall overboard, you could just create an air-bubble with your butt and use it to store your food and young. For some reason Artichoke still has to ask if Roly wants to come, and of course Roly says yes stating that he has "an obligation not to deprive the world of the greatest artist of them all". He’s the pineapple formerly known as Roly. This amuses Artichoke to no end, and he tells Roly that if he’s an artist then Artichoke is the king of pirates. No, that title goes to the creator of The Fruitties for ransacking the hearts of little children everywhere. Arrr.
We then segue into the musical number for this episode. As I explained in the first review, each Fruitties episode has at least one musical piece that’s basically taken from a selection of about six and then recycled as often as possible whether or not it has anything to do with the plot of that particular chapter of the epic Fruitties saga. Fortunately, this one is probably the best of the lot and revolves around Artichoke and his life of jovial piracy on the high seas. The tune is strangely catchy, the lyrics don’t get too confusing, and the clips we’re shown are pretty cool because Artichoke is seen attempting to slice off the heads of many an innocent Fruittie. Here are the words to this little number:
I am the pirate Arti-chucko
I am the worst and the meanest of them all
On land I steal or rob young horses
And at sea I plunder ships and sink them
I guess "Arti-chucko" is his nickname or something. Seems a tad long to me. There should be a limit on nicknames; anything longer than the actual name shall be declared invalid from this day forth. Okay, it’s lucky for you guys that you don’t have to listen to this as I watch it ‘cause it literally took me a good half an hour to figure out just what was being said in the third line. Imagine listening to the same verse being sung over and over… and over. Wait a minute, that’s basically the case in any given chart-topping hit these days. Silly me. Anyway, at first I thought the words were "On land I steal Arabian horses", since it sounded as though the singer just couldn’t get her teeth around the word "Arabian" and ended up saying ah-rah-byun. Hey, it’s possible. She pronounced pirate "pee-raid" at the start of the song. Believe me, I don’t wanna know what a pee-raid is. If it’s anything like a pantie-raid, I have good reason to be afraid.
There’s no-one able to catch me
Just because I’m the best and the smartest
Never there was a pirate like me
I’m the best, I’m the best of all robbers
I think they’re just reciting Artichoke’s job résumé right now.
"So, Mr. Choke, what makes you think you can be a valuable member of our team here at Conglom-Co?"
"Well, uh, as you’ll see on my résumé there, there’s no-one able to catch me… uh, I’m the best and the smartest. Oh yeah, and I’m the best… the best of all robbers. Pretty much."
"And I see it says here that never there was a pirate like you?"
"Yeah, yeah, ‘cause… There really never was one like me."
"I see… Well, we’ll get back to you. Have a good day. Agh!"
"Oops, sorry. Shook your hand with my hook by mistake. That’ll happen."
I’m Arti-chucko
One leg of wood
I’m the pirate
The meanest of pirates
X2
During the chorus, we see various clips of a guy who looks like a cross between the Incredible Hulk and Mr. Potato-Head beating the snot out of Artichoke for no apparent reason. Seriously, this guy has never appeared anywhere in the show before, so I’m left completely puzzled as to what the meaning was behind this sudden violent incursion into what was previously a happy song about raping and pillaging. You’d think Artichoke would select nothing but pro-Artichoke vignettes for his own theme song, but sadly this is not the case as we’re immediately shown a clip of Artichoke accidentally slicing off his own wooden leg and then attempting in vain to hammer it back on. Disabilities are wacky!!!
With my ship I sail the seas
And around and round and round I go
Plundering and stealing and sinking
On the seven seas I am feared
Thunderstorms just make me laugh
And I never get sick on the seas
When they decide to attack me
With my crooked leg I leave them senseless
(chorus)
See, now he’s just covering old ground, but at least he’s chosen to reiterate a simple point rather than venture into more perplexing territory like that other song about winter. Just that he sails around, yadda yadda, he’s feared, etc. But here’s an interesting point about his weapon of choice when being attacked out at sea. Apparently he uses his crooked leg to fend off any hostile parties. Didn’t seem to come in handy when being whooped by that potato/hulk dude. Y’know, I’d hate to be a member of that crew when the captain suddenly decided to wewease the secwet weapon. "Arr, laddies, the enemy be closin’ in but we’ll show ‘em… with my leg!" Instant mutiny, I tells ya. No wonder he’s just got a one-man crew.
Enough of that, though. Back to the "story", as finally the seafaring adventures seem ready to kick off. Halfway through the episode, and only now is the title beginning to make sense. We see Artichoke’s pirate ship docked at a beach somewhere, and it’s so big you have to wonder how he operates it all on his own. Arty and Roly climb aboard using the rope ladder, while the Wild Boars! keep a close eye on them from the island. You’d think the writers would have given up on that subplot by now, it’s just not working out the way they’d hoped it would. Then again, for all I know they might’ve specifically intended it to be a series of dumb segments which do nothing but pad the ‘toon. Naaah. We return to Arty and Roly, who are stood on the deck of the ship. Arty commands Roly to cast off and set sail, referring to him as "bosun" in the process. They’re bosun buddies! Ahaha… ha… oh dear. Roly takes offence to being given such a low rank and claims that he should really be the captain, but Arty argues that he’s the captain. Uh-oh, I see this relationship falling apart by the end of the month. Soon they’ll be fighting over who gets to keep the ship, and who’ll retain custody over the Wild Boars! Roly says he’s moved himself up a rank, "so let the handbrake off, put it into gear, and step on the gas". I’d point out that Roly’s confusion is completely nonsensical since he’s never actually seen a car before in his life, but I’m too distracted by the fact that the animators have chosen to loop the same two frames over and over in rapid succession to display the illusion of Roly "talking". Instead it just looks like he’s having a seizure. Quick, put an apricot under his tongue! Artichoke asks if Roly actually knows anything about boats, to which Roly replies that he’s played with them many times in the tub and not one of them has sunk. See, you’d think he means he plays with toy boats, but in actuality he literally hauls great big ocean liners into the bath with him. Guy’s got a weird fetish goin’ on there.
Back to the other *cough* exciting *cough* plot, where the Wild Boars! have already made it to the beach and are closing in on Artichoke’s ship. Isaac says that since the Fruitties are setting sail they won’t be able to catch them but, much like Baldrick, Boss has a cunning plan. He says they’ll hold onto the anchor and then when it gets raised, they’ll be pulled in with it. They go to all this effort for some fruit? There’s a village full of Fruitties on the island, why not go terrorise them? Would that be too easy or something? Maybe it’s like Disney’s Hocus Pocus, whereby the main villains have such a huge grudge against one particularly elusive victim that they’re willing to throw away the chance to achieve their goals easily. That movie sucked too. Still, at least these Wild Boars! are better looking than Sarah Jessica Parker. Roly is on the deck steering the ship, and he starts barking out orders so I guess we know the outcome of that last argument. Apparently the image of Roly bathing was too much for Artichoke to handle and he conceded the captain’s chair to him. The ship indeed sets sail, and Roly thinks he’s forgotten something. He forgot to weigh the anchor, and it’s bouncing along the beach with a couple of petrified Wild Boars! straddling it. Yowch, that can’t be comfortable. Though the anchor does appear to be made of rubber, what with how it’s bouncing along like that. Maybe it’s just for decoration, like the pirate equivalent of fuzzy dice.
As the Wild Boars! are dragged beneath the waves where they’ll no doubt begin to drown, we switch our attention to the pirate ship where Artichoke is standing in the crow’s nest gazing out to sea with a pair of binoculars. Wow, uh, looks like not weighing the anchor had zero effect on their progress. Still, y’know… it’s a cartoon. Nobody cares about stuff making sense in those things. Whatever. Artichoke spots another ship on the horizon, and it’s made out of wood just like theirs. Um, what century are these guys living in? Must be another one of those time shifts. Let’s just hope they didn’t go forward and end up in Kevin Costner’s Waterworld. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. Artichoke informs Roly of the boat’s presence, and Roly picks up a megaphone and starts reciting poetry to them believing it to be a ship full of his admirers. Well, they are sailing in the middle of nowhere in a ship that looks like it was built two hundred years ago, so yeah I can see where he got the idea. As Roly yells at the other ship, the Wild Boars! climb aboard onto the deck looking as drenched as Kirsten Dunst in that one scene from Spiderman. Hey, like it didn’t stick in your mind too. Boss is glad to have escaped from the sea, for he says that if he’d remained in there any longer he would’ve "turned into a fish". Oh, so he’s like Darryl Hannah in Splash! I guess. Say, Darryl Hannah AND Kirsten Dunst in the same paragraph. This is gettin' interesting. I’d better change paragraphs before I’m forced to mention an ugly celebrity like Sarah Jessica Parker again- D’OH!
Boss spies Roly and declares that he’s responsible for all this. Um, how do you figure that? You two haven’t even been in the same shot throughout the entire episode. In fact, it’s almost as if this entire subplot was written after the main plot and then inserted afterwards in order to add "drama". I half expect to see a black-and-white Raymond Burr chasing these guys around the island. Boss leaps at Roly, and at the exact same moment the other ship begins firing cannonballs at the pirate ship. Good grief, is Guybrush Threepwood commanding the other ship or something? One of the cannonballs humorously lands right in Boss’ face, no doubt shattering his skull in several different places, which causes him to fly overboard once more with a tremendous splash. Not as good as John Smith’s running bomb, but close. I’ll give it an "8.5". Isaac chortles and says, "he can’t say I didn’t warn him". Actually, as far as I’m aware, he can. And it’d be a valid complaint, too. All I can think about is how Boss’ mohawk manages to stay upright even when wet. He must use some amazing conditioner. Huh? Oh, right. There’s an action sequence taking place, apparently… Coulda fooled me. Roly asks why they’re being fired upon, and Artichoke thinks that the other ship believes them to be pirates. Seems like rather loose reasoning to begin firing on someone… though maybe it’s like Hitman 2 where all the enemies start firing at you from a distance even if you act like one of them.
Roly notices that the flag Artichoke’s ship is flying is very reminiscent of the skull and crossbones, though Arty refuses to take it down since "a ship without a flag is like a river without water, a table without legs, The Matrix without its special effects". Okay, so I added that last one, but I’m sure they would’ve used it if it had been suggested. The battleship continues firing, so Roly orders Artichoke to shut up so they can make their getaway. Arty takes the wheel and there’s a stunning chase sequence that exceeds anything I ever thought possible in my wildest- oh, no, wait, there’s a just shot of a boat moving to the right. At least, I think it is. It’s pointing right, anyway. Boss has apparently latched onto the anchor once more, and the anchor actually appears to be floating on the surface behind the boat. Okay, now I’m confused. A Star Wars-y wipe effect passes across the screen and we cut to the very same shot of the ship that they used to show them "escaping at high speeds". But since Roly’s now sunbathing on the deck, I guess they managed to get away from their attackers. Would’ve been nice to actually see it, but oh well. Or maybe this is all taking place out-of-sequence like in a Tarantino film. At the end, Roly will reveal to Artichoke that he’s actually an undercover cop placed in close proximity to the pirate Fruittie in order to lead the battleship right to him! Or… not. Sigh. I can still dream.
Isaac finally manages to heave Boss up onto the deck before pointing out that he’s now covered from head to toe in weed. Must be from the writers’ private collection. Oh, it’s SEAweed. Isaac starts stuffing the seaweed into his mouth and then offers some to Boss, who refuses it and says that it’s Roly he wants to eat. Gosh, what a picky eater. Never invite him over to parties. He’d just hog all the women anyway. What a pig! Okay, okay, this review can only take sow many pig jokes. Heehee! Sow many. I kill me. Boss once again shows that he has no accumulated memory whatsoever and jumps onto Roly, only to find himself bouncing right off an umbrella that Roly has recently erected because of how hot it is. Where the heck was he keeping an umbrella? Wait… on second thoughts, I don’t wanna know. Boss lands in the ocean (wow, haven’t seen that before) causing Isaac to chime in "before you get back on the boat, bring me some more seaweed; it really is delicious". Wait ‘til he finds out that wasn’t really seaweed, just the natural fungus that grows all over Boss’ body. Roly wakes up and asks Artichoke to fetch him a clay sandwich; though Artichoke tells him they’re out of clay, sand, and mud. Dude, it’s not like it’s hard to stock up on those things. This is the most inefficiently run pirate ship ever, what with fleeing at the first sign of trouble, allowing stowaways onboard, and now this. And when the heck do the seafaring adventures begin?! Don’t tell me this is it, because I won’t accept "being unable to locate food" as an adventure.
After being chastised by Artichoke for being unable to cope with hunger, we next see Roly walking in circles on the deck muttering that he’s "so hungry that I’m weak with hunger". I think that’s the definition of hungry, dude. He then comments, "this isn’t an adventure, this is an ordeal". So why not call the episode "The Seafaring Ordeals"? That I could handle. While like Yoda talking. Roly is so filled with frustration that he kicks a barrel. Hey, Link was trying to hide in that thing! The barrel goes flying, and… Oh, just guess where it lands. Just guess. Because I’m not in the mood to describe how the barrel smacks Boss across the head and sends him flying overboard once again. ARGH! Suddenly, a storm crops up and the waves begin to churn all around them. Artichoke tells Roly to grab on tight. This is no time to flirt! A wave washes over the deck and sends Roly flying into… an albatross. No, I’m kidding, that would’ve been original. He flies into Boss, who falls (you guessed it) overboard. Then he loses his memory and goes off to live with Kurt Russell, the end. Bah, who’m I kidding.
For a brief moment there’s a well animated shot of the pirate ship being tossed about on the waves while the storm rages overhead, but its power is immediately diminished when the lightning somehow manages to make the clouds turn orange. In the words of the Chosen One: "O… kay". Artichoke cries out to Roly, who responds with little more than a cry for help. Here’s one of my favourite parts where Artichoke asks, "You want me to go?" Yes, go. Go and never come back. Never darken our doorstep again. Don’t let the boar hit you in the butt on the way out. Arty tells Roly to come and give him a hand or they’ll sink, which causes Roly to forget whatever aid he required and walk through the fierce rain to help Artichoke out with the steering wheel. The animators try to increase the tension inherent in the scene by repeating the same shots about eight times in a row. Seriously, it’s like "Clouds. Lightning. Roly and Artichoke. The Steering Wheel. Clouds. More Lightning. The Ship. Clouds." And believe me, I don’t feel anything more than a slight twinge of boredom as I’m watching this. I’m so bored that I’m weak with boredom. This isn’t a cartoon; it’s an ordeal! Roly takes a break from saving their skins to quiz Artichoke on whether or not these storms tend to happen often on voyages, or if this is just a random circumstance. Artichoke affirms Roly’s suspicions, telling him that they happen every voyage and that they’re "wonderful". Moments later, a lightning bolt strikes the steering wheel and shatters it. Not so wonderful now, eh? Roly and Artichoke faint dead away; oh, if only I were so lucky.
Prepare yourself for the swashbuckling conclusion and click here!
"The Fruitties" is a product of D'ocon Films Productions. All Fruittie-related material on this website is non-profit and intended merely as a way of paying tribute to the original, probably far superior cartoon. Please, please do not sue me for simply drawing some pictures based on your work! I mean well, I really do... *snff*