Time passes, and the ship washes up on a shore somewhere. Wow, that certainly was lucky. My heart was in my throat, I don’t mind telling you. Faster than you can say "My heart will go on", the storm passes and it’s suddenly a lovely day again. Freak weather occurrences seem to be a trademark of The Fruitties. The dark clouds drift away, and Roly slowly regains consciousness. See, Roly, this is why you ought to make a sacrifice to Poseidon, God of the Ocean, every single day. I do, and I’ve never had problems when traversing the sea. Okay, so I haven’t been on a boat in about seven years… but it’s still worth doing, let me tell you. Roly wakes Arty, who comes to with a resounding, "Let’s board them!" See, you’re supposed to think he’s dreaming of being a pirate, but in actuality that’s one of the many lines he uses to pick up girls. Are you freaking out yet? Artichoke’s memory slowly returns, and he remembers that the lightning broke the rudder causing them to go off-course. You guys had a course? Yeah, right. Roly informs Artichoke that they’ve run across an island, where they can eat something. Wouldn’t surprise me if there were a few hundred McDonalds outlets already positioned on this remote isle, I guess. Artichoke points out that they could also drink something here, but Roly turns down the offer as he’s already filled up with seawater. Yeah, saltwater usually quenches my thirst too. And people say it’s bad for you. Feeble-minded fools! Blort blort, snirkle snirkle, can I pet the llama? Roly illustrates his point by blowing water out of his ears and comparing himself to "some fountain in the park". Isn’t Fruittie Village one big park? I mean it’s situated inside a jungle. Maybe their version of the park is the really built-up area where the colour green is virtually non-existent.

Roly and Artichoke disembark, whilst Boss finally manages to climb aboard the ship (again) whereupon he immediately starts to complain about the quality of the journey. Hey, it could’ve been worse; they could’ve shown Ghost Ship during the voyage. Because it’s a bad movie, I mean. Not ‘cause of the sailing theme. Boss claims, as he’s hunched over in front of Isaac, that he must’ve swallowed "everything". I’m not touching that one with a thirty-foot pole. Isaac says he’s not surprised since Boss’ stomach is as big as an elephant’s. Gosh, way to elevate his spirits after the near-death experience, buddy. Isaac then notices a fish peeking out of Boss’ mouth… and here, I’ll transcribe what occurs:

Isaac: "What on earth’s in your mouth, Boss? Myaha, that’s really funny, Boss. You’ve got a fish in your mouth. What is it, a cod or a sardine?"

(Isaac starts pulling numerous fishes out of Boss’ mouth and throws them over his shoulder)

Isaac: "Wow, look at all that fish. You look more like an aquarium than a wild boar!"

Before Isaac can suggest installing a thick Plexiglas wall between Boss’s stomach and the outside world so people can view the goings on within, the scene changes back to Roly and Artichoke who are exploring the newfound territory. Man, for a pirate Artichoke really isn’t doing his job. He should be dreaming about raping and pillaging this new land, not sitting down to have a snack. I’m starting to doubt the words to his theme song. We briefly see a pair of saucer-like eyes watching the two Frutties from behind a bush. Uh-oh, we got Jawas. Roly kneels down beside a puddle and starts to eat the mud from the bottom. Geez, talk about a messy eater. There’s something not quite so charming about a pineapple with features stuffing a finger covered with a sticky brown substance into his mouth. But hey, it worked in Mallrats. Off in some other part of the clearing, Artichoke is carrying a log. Yeah, after a good storm at sea I gotta move a few logs too. He explains to Roly that he’s going to use the wood to fix the ship. With one arm? I don’t think so. Then again, he can’t exactly ask Roly for help since goodness knows where Roly’s hands have been. Roly asks why Artichoke doesn’t just postpone the work and take a rest. Ah, the attitude of every good artist. Arty explains that he has to do it before the tide comes in, for some inexplicable reason. That’s what you get for making your anchor out of rubber. By the way, we never did find out whether the fish in Boss’ mouth was a cod or a sardine. I feel ripped off.

As Artichoke leaves, Roly lets out a good long yawn and admits that he’s starting to like all this travelling around the world. You just circled once around the island and landed on the other side, you won’t exactly be making Michael Palin sweat in his boots when it comes to seeing far-away lands. From somewhere in the bushes, the two sets of eyes are still fixed on Roly. Look, he’s as nude as he’s going to get. Move along, the pair of you. Roly, having constructed a hammock for himself out of coconuts or something, quickly drifts off to sleep whilst murmuring the words "What a life for a pineapple". You call this a life? I got you beat, pal, and I’m a nobody. As he sleeps, the Random Natives from earlier in the episode crawl underneath his hammock with their spears and start jabbing them into his butt. So I guess it really is still the same island. Did these guys even set sail in the first place, or was that all some sort of twisted dream sequence?! After being prodded in the butt, Roly sits up in bed and cries "It can’t be, I’ve got Thorny underneath my hammock!" And what do you suppose they’re implying there…? Roly looks down, sees the angry natives (though why they’re so angry with him is never explained) and then wails, "It’s not Thorny!" So the thing that upsets him most about this predicament is that it isn’t Thorny? Yup, I’m seeing definite subtext here. Yup, yup, yup.

The Random Natives chase Roly through the jungle, and I’ll try and give a direct transcription of the dialogue:

Random Natives: "OOLA BOOLA! WOOLA LOOLA! OOOLA LOOLA! WOOGA WOOGA!"

Roly: "AHHHHHH! Artichoke, save me! AHHHHHH!"

Random Natives: "BOOLA NOOLA! WOOLA WOOLA! TOOLA NOOLA! BOOGA WOOGA!"

See, not offensive in the least. And for those of you interested, here’s a translation of what the Random Natives were saying:

"We just want you to buy these spears from us! Please, they’re very heavy and we’ve carried them around this island the entire day looking for a customer! C’mon, we just wanna make a sale! Oh, and oola boola!"

I hope that clears everything up. Anyway, Roly ends up on the edge of a steep cliff face with nowhere else to turn. This is gonna end like Thelma & Louise, isn’t it? Roly despairs right up until the Random Natives have their spears pointed directly in his face, and then he begins to rant and rave at them about how they now have the greatest artist and poet before their very eyes. Yes, bore them to a standstill, great idea. Hey, it worked on me. Before I saw this episode, I was ready to put my plan of attack into action; my forces were going to raid the D’Ocon Films Productions Studio and leave no man standing. But now I just can’t be bothered. Roly says that he’s going to prove his status by reciting a poem. Dude, they don’t speak your language. You could be reciting the lyrics to a White Snake song and they’d be none the wiser. Here’s Roly’s poem in full:

On a tropical island that folks call Potato Chip
Everyone’s happy because I’ve turned up in a pirate ship
So here I am my friends
To teach you about knowledge and singing and dancing

I think "teach you about knowledge" is a little redundant, personally, but otherwise that was pretty meh. There was nothing bad about it, but nothing good either. Though, I mean, I had no idea that the island the Fruitties lived on was called Potato Chip. Is that canon, or is Roly way off-script? Note to Roly: you don’t address those who are about to slice you up into little pineapple chunks as "friends".

As if to prove my point, the Random Natives still seem as intent, perhaps more so, on killing Roly dead. Roly starts to blubber like a little girl. Yup, here come the waterworks. Hey, at least you’ll be achieving every artist’s greatest aspiration… to die unappreciated so that your work gathers more money in the long run. Out of nowhere, a rope descends from the sky. Oh, what a great time for God to suddenly feel sympathy for an unclean one. No, wait, it’s not God… it’s Kumba in the sky. No diamonds, though. Look at that, Kumba, Pak, and Thorny are all in the hot air balloon and are flying right above Roly. Can you say convenient? At Kumba’s urging, Roly grabs the rope and in a hysterical bit he starts ascending the rope without even moving his hands. Seriously, he’s just floating up there. I can’t believe the animators could be so lazy. "Move his arms?! You can’t be serious! I’d need to be paid extra to do something like that."

We return to Artichoke’s boat, where… oh my gosh… suddenly, the animation is incredible? How the heck did this happen? What the? There’s expression, fluidity, everything a normal cartoon has. Honest, it’s all here. Just for one shot, though. Isaac picks a fish out of Boss’ mouth and tells him it’s the last one. I half-expected him to say, "It’s a Boss, bass. I mean a bass, Boss." That was pretty trippy. Good animation? After the rope fiasco? Who’s responsible for this? I’m gonna find him and kiss his shoes. It only lasted two seconds, though, so I’d probably just pull them off and run away with them afterwards. Boss seems more interested in relocating the Fruitties; imagine (sex) having such a (sex) one-track (sex) mind (sex boobs sex). From up in the hot air balloon, Roly calls down to Artichoke to let him know he’s going home. Arty seems confused, since he thought Roly wanted to have great adventures. He’d probably have better luck finding an adventure under his bed, Artichoke. Roly explains that sleep and food are very important to an artist. Hey, as an artist I feel very insul- zzzzz… oh, shoot, where was I? Someone get me some food while I try and remember what I was writing about.

Boss begins to climb up the rope (hey, they animated his hands!) as Roly shouts a hearty "bon voyage" to Artichoke. He then mentions that the ship with the cannon is closing in on Artichoke again; did those guys on the ship just go on break for twenty minutes or something? Keeping up with these clowns can’t be that hard. Artichoke quells Roly’s worries by saying they’re not going to catch him, and then he proceeds to spin the steering wheel a full 1080 degrees at breakneck speed. You just got that fixed; do you wanna break it again or something? And to think he criticised Roly’s knowledge of sailing. One of the stray cannonballs from the enemy ship happens to catch the rope Boss is climbing, and he falls into the ocean. Oh, oh, oh, I just got it! He fell into the ocean! And he was trying to eat Roly! AHAHAHAHAHAAA! Oh man, it only really hits you how funny it is about the fiftieth time it happens… hehe… heh… Wooo. Once more, Isaac does his trademark look-at-the-camera-and-shrug pose while Boss swims his way over to Artich- no, wait, he just swam onto the enemy ship. Though I can understand his confusion, since the ships both look identical except for the lines on Artichoke’s sails. It’s almost like the animators were lazy, or something. No, couldn’t be.

Back in the magical hot air balloon Roly asks the gang how they managed to find him, and Pak proves just how two-faced he is by claiming that, "when you left, we thought you looked so upset that we decided to follow you". Uh-huh. BULL. When Roly left in a huff, Pak himself said that they should just leave him alone and that he’d get over it. What, are we supposed to think he immediately changed his mind? "Oh, leave him be. No wait! Let’s stalk him from the air and never let on!!!" What a liar. I’ll never look at him the same way again. This blatant lie brings tears to Roly eyes, and he gives a crummy speech about how he left in search of "fame, glory, and friends" but now he realises he had those things all along. So basically, nothing was accomplished. At least they admit it. He swears that he’ll never be bigheaded again, just a humble Fruittie. Man, this ending is turning into one big stack of lies. Kumba asks if he’ll be modest too. Well, if he’s not bigheaded then it’s kind of a given, sweetie. Thorny asks if he’ll play the trumpet at the party as well. Wow, continuity. Next they’ll ask if he’ll join their official Farting Spider Fan Club. Roly gets very upset at this suggestion, which is understandable since Thorny really shouldn’t know about the trumpet thing since he was never present at the event. Or maybe Thorny’s a liar too. Roly threatens to attack Thorny until the breath leaves his lungs and he’s left in a crumpled heap with his respiratory valves closed off… well, he doesn’t say that, but he alludes to it. His threat of violence amuses the others so much that they exchange this spat of dialogue:

Kumba: "What a fright! I thought that Roly really had become humble!"

Pak: "Roly will never ever change." (No doubt this is a lie)

Thorny: "Well, once an artist, always an artist!"

Kumba, Pak, & Thorny: "Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha."

And so, with the mocking sound of laughter echoing in our ears, our tale comes to an end. And to be honest, it probably reads a lot better than it is. I mean, the seafaring adventures part seems to last all of thirty seconds in the actual episode, whereas they dedicate an entire five minutes to Roly being chased by Random Natives for no reason whatsoever. I’m not even sure why the Wild Boars! were featured in this one. Still, we did get that one really well animated shot of them towards the end, that was pretty good I suppose. By the by, I really wasn’t kidding when I suggested that the Wild Boars! subplot was inserted well after the main plot was written. I think one of the major flaws that The Fruitties has is that it has been given a thirty minute time slot when it really only requires ten minutes (or less) to tell its very basic stories. I mean the sheer fact that the writers feel the need to pad the story with useless, recycled musical numbers just proves my point. If the episodes were shorter, I’d have much less to complain about and the action could be more tightly packed as to create a more exciting product. Wow, constructive criticism in one of my reviews? Who’da thunkit.

So why was this one bad? Do I really need to say? I think so. It really does play out a lot worse than it reads, though you can probably tell that it’s less than stellar. A title like "The Seafaring Adventures" requires a coherent plot that attracts the imagination. I don’t know about you but when I was seven years old the word "adventure" meant about fifteen times as much as it does these days, and simply putting it at the beginning of an episode requires a writer to really make good on his word. Instead what we got was about ten minutes of Roly doing (or not doing) minor tasks that kids wouldn’t even consider exciting if every other character had been played by their favourite Pokémon, two minutes of dull sailing nonsense, and then an ending that closes in on Deus Ex Machina territory. And through all this, what lesson was Roly really supposed to have learned? To appreciate his friends? The ones who laugh at him for having the slightest bit of self-esteem? The ones who refuse to help him out during a storm, but who think that when he’s cornered on a cliff by spear-wielding natives THEN it’s okay to extend a hand? And how exactly did Roly learn this? He goes off on an adventure and teams up with Artichoke. What, so because Roly was too lazy for the pirate lifestyle, this means he’s better off with friends who’ll put up with how lazy and bigheaded he is? If Roly had been halfway intelligent or responsible, his journey with Artichoke could have been amazing. So basically the entire lesson hinges on his inability to handle even the simplest of situations.

And kids are supposed to enjoy watching this?

Rating: 2/5