Step right up, step right up! Come one come all, don’t be shy! Come see the amazing Fruitties episode review! Come bare witness to the thrills, the spills, the chills, and the bills once I’ve charged you all a pricey admission! Yes, that’s right, I’m charging hundreds for just one ticket in order to compensate for the amount of stress I was put through while attempting to write this thing! And believe me when I say that you’ll have twice as much fun as I did just by reading about it…! Well, I mean, everyone knows zero times two is still zero, right?
Anyhoo, that’s enough razzle-dazzle for one evening. I have to save up some razzle-dazzle for when the men in white coats come to collect me. See, they won’t commit you unless you display a certain amount of psychotic behaviour, and if they don’t commit me soon then I’m going to be forced to do yet another Fruitties episode review. And I just can’t have that. So I hope you’ll forgive me if the razzle-dazzle quotient for this review is somewhat lacking. Now listen, remember how last time in my review of the infamous "Rugby Match" episode (you know, the one where the rugby match part of the episode lasted about two seconds and the inane randomness part seemed to go on for a good four hours) I said it was one of the better ones? Well, I’m sure you’re already starting to formulate in your mind what a BAD Fruitties episode must be like. Scary, eh? Allow me to put your fears at ease, though; today I do not unleash upon the unsuspecting world the pain and torment that is a BAD Fruitties episode (I can hear the tension chords resounding every time I type that). No, this episode entitled "The Seafaring Adventures" is by no means the bottom of the barrel. But it’s pretty darn close.
See, "The Rugby Match" was one of the few occasions where The Fruittes attempted to remain faithful to its premise and go forth with the vague plot it had conjured up from the depths of the bottomless plot hole in the sky. Often there are occasions where The Fruitties seems to have a plot, but then forgets about it and carries on doing pointless things until the twenty-two minute time period has elapsed, much like a kid who’s sitting in an exam hall and realises about five minutes in that he didn’t do enough studying. Those are usually the better episodes. This episode, however… "The Seafaring Adventures" as it likes to be known… this episode has no semblance of plot whatsoever. I tried to find a plot. I searched tirelessly, but I yielded not one drop of character development, nor even an ounce of drama or tiny morsel of tension. It’s like watching the Big Bang in reverse, as you start off peering into this vast universe until slowly all the potential for intrigue is sucked away and then "Hello, I’m a tiny atom now!" How very disheartening.
But don’t take my word for it-… oh wait, that’s why you’re reading this review, isn’t it? For my word. Well then I guess you should just take my word for it. Okay, review’s over. Goodnight.
…
Still there?
Rats. Okay, on with the review I suppose. I just hope you’re happy.
We start off with the typical opening sequence complete with the theme song that’s as long as hearing the audio book version of War & Peace being read by a guy with a really irritating stutter. By the way, it just hit me; how does the singer know that the Fruitties are "delicious fruit"? Did somebody actually try to eat one? Sick, dude! Anyway, onto more pleasant matters… oh, who am I kidding, we’re on the verge of entering the portal to a hell dimension where time moves real slow and the cartoons even slower. Where’s a Fruittie Slayer when you need one? Okay, okay, moving on. We open on a shot of a mountaintop overlooking a lake, while the narrator tells us that Roly has been feeling tired and bored for a long while due to a lack of action. Whoa! Oh, wait, different type of action I guess. Still, y’know… whoa. We immediately fade to Fruittie Village and then zoom into Roly’s house where we see him sound asleep. And look, he has an alarm clock shaped like a pineapple! That’d be like me having an alarm clock based on a human being’s anatomy… Sorta disturbing, but it’d make a cute conversational piece should I ever actually experience human contact.
Roly’s snoring away in his bed, clutching what appears to be his own little Mrs. Mittens to his bosom, when Mr. Fig suddenly starts yelling through his window. Geez, a little privacy please? Knock on the door like any ordinary talking fruit with eyeballs would. After waking Roly up from a sound sleep, he proceeds to inform the dopey pineapple that Mayor Strawberry wants to see him. Roly begins rubbing the sleep from his eyes, and the Foley Artists seem to decide that this action requires the aural aid of the noise you get when rubbing two bits of sandpaper together. Lucky he didn’t scratch his butt, who knows what sound effect they would’ve decided to use for that. Roly assumes Mayor Strawberry requires his help to get him out of some jam, which causes Mr. Fig to burst out laughing. Dude, you interrupt his sleep and then you laugh when he speaks his mind. What are you, a professional jerk or something?
Roly leaves his homely little pineapple den and wanders out into the practically empty streets of Fruittie Village. The population of this village seems to increase and decrease at random intervals; the other day there were enough people to fill an entire stadium, now there’s nobody to be seen. Maybe they all up and left. No, that would make too much sense. Roly bumps into Watermelon, who remarks that Roly appears to have woken up early today. Yeah, thanks to Mr. Jerk- I mean, Fig. Roly tells the inquisitive Watermelon that he has to go help Strawberry so he can’t stay and chat. True to his word, he leaves… while Watermelon stands in the exact same spot and stares into the space Roly was previously occupying as though nothing happened. Uh oh, time shift. Either that or just the lazy animators again. Time shift is cooler, though, so we’ll go with that. We now see yet another montage of bustling Fruittie activity, in which we are shown a pear painting spots on a mushroom (you’d think he wouldn’t need to do that), a chilli pepper cutting a corn guy’s overgrown hair (man, how corny… bwaha!), and a bunch of acorns marching in unison. Oh, and Roly doesn’t figure into any of these shots, so I dunno why we’re being subjected to them. Maybe we’re being conditioned to hate fruit? Though knowing my luck I’ll probably just end up trying to kill myself whenever I hear Ludwig Van Beethoven. Wait, I do that already… Silly me.
There’s a brief glimpse of a few acorns laying down the foundations to a house (yeah, as though people actually want to move to Fruittie Village) before we return to the main story where Roly has now entered Strawberry’s office. They exchange pleasantries before getting down to business; it seems that Orange has contracted a potentially incapacitating mild cold!!! and can’t play the trumpet. Strawberry wants Roly to do it instead, and Roly is understandably insulted. Yeah, the trumpet is so lame; if anything, Roly should be playing the saxophone. That’s one cool instrument. Even Lisa Simpson seems cool when she plays that, and nobody likes Lisa. Strawberry points out that it would only be for a few days, but Roly stands firm. Huh, look at that, Strawberry has some grapes hanging from his walls. Isn’t hanging dead Fruitties in the mayor’s office kinda counterproductive, since it’s supposed to be a non-threatening atmosphere and all? Roly is obviously so put off by the stench of death that he walks out, thus proving my point. See, sometimes this show works out alright for me.
Roly is busy storming away when suddenly he comes across Watermelon, who is clearly still stuck in the time shift from before. He seems to say something about going back to the 1950s in order to make sure his parents hook up and so that he can help Emmett Brown create a Flux Capacitor, and then asks Roly how his meeting with Strawberry went. Roly tells him that Strawberry doesn’t seem to understand artists, but Watermelon is obviously warping forward a few decades because he suddenly seems unaware that Roly is an artist. Roly gets all offended and walks off in a huff, leaving Watermelon to go back and deliver the message to his brother Dexter about not opening the portal to another dimension. Okay, enough time travel references. The animators were just lazy. Still, it’s nice to pretend that exciting stuff is going on when clearly it isn’t.
We cut to Kumba, Pak, and Thorny who are standing over a stream looking down at a stick jutting upwards from beneath the water’s surface. Hey, they found something more interesting to watch than this cartoon! Man, I can only dream about getting to review stuff like that. Just imagine… The stick is wet. And brown. It’s still wet. Ha-ha, promiscuous sex is funny. The stick is not. Gah, anyway, they’re watching a rather mean-looking spider crawl down the stick towards the surface of the stream. Thorny comments "What a stupid spider, it’s gonna drown!" What are you, a documentary team? If you think it’s in trouble, try to save it instead of just staring! Yeah, how stupid. Dyin’ like that. Dumb spider. All the air being cut off from its tiny spider lungs. What an idiot! Pak, always the party-pooper, explains that the spider can stay alive underwater thanks to an air bubble it creates itself. We then see the spider "creating an air bubble" from its butt. Yeah, I think it’s just farting, Pak. Sorry to break it to you, and all that. Pak claims this spider keeps both its young and its food in the fart-bubble, which makes me wonder how the heck it manages to stay alive using this supposed "air-bubble" if it’s so full up with food and young. If you know, write to us at washuchanfan@ntlworld.com and we’ll give one lucky winner a big slab of I Don’t Care. The other entries will just be ignored.
Kumba suddenly claims that this spider must be very clever, and now everyone starts jumping on the Farting Spider bandwagon. Oh, sure, before it was just stupid, but now it’s sooo great… yeesh. Bunch o’ lemmings. Roly appears from off-screen and greets them all, causing everyone to respond a total of three times. Yeah, see, since the animators accidentally left in a few frames where Kumba and Thorny open their mouths a couple of times after they’ve already said hello, the voice actors decided to say "Hello" three times. Uh-huh. And no, the time shift excuse doesn’t work here so there’s no getting off the hook this time. Why I oughtta. Unabashed by their sneaky triple-greeting manoeuvre, Roly asks what they’re up to. Kumba claims they’re looking at "all the animals that there are in the wood". Actually, you’re looking at one animal… and there isn’t a wood in sight. But regardless of all that, I suppose the statement could hold a slight element of truth. Y’know, if it weren’t for all the wrongness. Roly says he prefers to look at the beautiful clouds, and as he lies down to regard their splendour he accidentally squishes the spider. Okay, I’m kidding, the spider doesn’t even factor into this scene. Which makes me wonder why they introduced it in the first place, but whatever, I’m an adult and this show is obviously for kids. See, kids don’t think about stuff. Their brains are too sticky.
Kumba has the bright, albeit completely out of the blue, idea that they should all go looking for fossils. Geez, one idea at a time, please. Yeah, fossils. That’ll have to substitute for fun for the moment. Pak approves Kumba’s suggestion, and he takes a few steps to the left and immediately happens upon an enormous rock formation with about half a dozen fossils seemingly built in. Well that was easy. Now let’s go find the lost city of Machu Picchu and prove the existence of aliens in Loch Ness. Pak points at the rocks and says that it’s full of sea urchins and shells. And then he adds, "My God, it’s full of stars" but that’s probably not important. Roly, who is still gazing up at the clouds, asks how Pak’s going to get them out, causing Pak to retrieve a hammer and chisel from his trusty backpack. See, the whole gimmick there is that Pak can basically pull anything he wants out of his backpack. So why doesn’t he pull out some new parents for Kumba, or a brain for Thorny? Roly gets upset, saying that he doesn’t want to break rocks like some kind of a convict. But since he says all this with a big smile on his face, I can’t really tell if he’s supposed to be angry or amused. Pak demands to know where Roly’s going, and according to Roly it’ll be somewhere where they can appreciate his talents. Oh, right. France. I bet they’d consider him a genius over there. Kumba points out that Roly seems touchy today. Um, because he didn’t want to break rocks? Big deal. He was talking about how beautiful the clouds were a minute ago, did you fail to take that into account or something? This next part makes me laugh every time, as Roly says "See you guys" in exactly the same tone of voice as Eric Cartman would say "Screw you guys, I’m going home". Thorny asks why Roly’s so angry. Is this scene playing out in reverse or something?! It was made abundantly clear as to why he was mad! Pak tells them to forget about Roly, and adds that he’ll soon get over it. Uh-huh. So when are the seafaring adventures going to start happening…?
Later, Roly is walking through the jungle unaware that he is being watched by the Wild Boars!, who appear to have a bow and arrow trained on him. On closer inspection, it turns out to be a plunger tied to a rope instead of an arrow, but I’m sure that could still do plenty of damage. Boss declares that he’ll get Roly right between the eyes, but when he fires the plunger it sails right over the back of Roly’s head. Um, how was he going to hit him between the eyes from behind? Was that a joke, or just pure stupidity? I think you guys know which I’d vote for. The plunger fixes itself onto the muzzle of a snake, who then slides over to Boss before jamming it squarely onto his mouth and then swinging him around using the snake’s tail for leverage. Boss screams, "I can see stars!" and then adds "Oh wait, it’s just Matthew Perry and Matthew Broderick. They’re not stars anymore." Crazy boar guy. The snake throws Boss so far he lands on an elephant; uh-oh, whatever you do, don’t mistake it for a gorilla. Before Boss can say word one, the elephant throws him to the ground and smacks him across the head while shouting "Take that, you filthy hog!" so he winds up buried halfway up to his head in dirt. See kids; that’s today’s lesson, never try to do anything even remotely difficult. Ever. Isaac does his trademark look-at-the-camera-and-shrug gesture before walking over and using the plunger to help Boss out of the hole in the ground. Uh, wasn’t Roly in this scene…? I forget already. Isaac claims the plunger works really well and that they should probably get another, but Boss has other ideas and throws the plunger away. Then he yells, "Throw it away!" Bit late for that, dude. The plunger lands on the muzzle of an unsuspecting panther, and you can probably guess what happens next as this Moebius strip of a scene starts over again. By the way, Wile E. Coyote called; he wants his job back.
We finally return to Roly as he’s still walking along completely oblivious to the ruckus that must be happening just a couple of feet away, and he hears someone cry out for help. Roly snaps into action as he rushes forward saying that he’s on the way. Oh, I’m sure that’s very comforting; the pineapple nobody likes is on his way. Great. He peers out from behind a bush and sees none other than the pirate Artichoke being chased by some vicious-looking natives wielding sharpened spears while chanting in the universal language of gobbledygook. As far as Fruitties characters go, Artichoke is actually pretty cool. Plus his theme song is kinda catchy. I find myself humming it every now and then, much like a character from The Sims would churn out nonsensical ditties before prodding a microwave in an attempt to be electrocuted by order of some unseen yet all-powerful being. Shoo-be-de-doo-bahhh-ba-daaah. Roly’s answer to this problem is to grab Artichoke as he runs by and pull him behind the bush, which is apparently so obvious a rouse that the Random Natives refuse to check the bush Artichoke was just standing beside because I guess they think only an idiot would try to escape that way. And they’re right, I suppose. Artichoke thanks Roly, and tells him that the natives were chasing him because he took a tiny statue of a monkey away from them. Roly is horrified and chastises Artichoke, saying that the statue is the natives’ god. Well, actually I would suppose that it was a statue OF their god. But what do I know. Roly implores Artichoke to give the statue back, but Artichoke replies saying that pirates never ever give anything back once they’ve stolen it. Roly uses the old Obi-Wan Kenobi technique of fooling someone into going back on their ancient moral codes by suggesting to Artichoke that if he doesn’t do so, the end result will be much worse. Amusingly, one of the things Roly says the natives will do to Artichoke is "roast you in an oven covered with pepper so that you won’t stop sneezing while you stew". I gotta believe that line was ad-libbed. Artichoke is suddenly rather eager to return the statue to its rightful owners. What does all this have to do with Orange getting a cold, anyway?
We cut to the Wild Boars! who are indulging themselves in some thoughtful debate:
Boss: "Let’s get after them, mmmm delicious!"
Isaac: "Leave them alone Boss, we’ll never catch them."
Boss: "That’s where you’re wrong; this time we’re really going to catch them. Grr."
Wow. Just… Wow. I really can’t add anything to that, so let’s move on, shall we?
As Artichoke and Roly are leaving, Boss aims a gun at them. Wait, that would be exciting. He aims what looks like a cross between a bent tube and a hammer at them, and somehow when he squeezes the tube part the hammer is projected outwards at a reasonably fast velocity. Maybe it’s just me, but wouldn’t throwing it be just as efficient and much less costly? In a skit that seems to come straight out of nowhere, a polar bear walks over with the hammer in its paw and demands to know if it’s theirs. The hammer, I mean. Not the paw. Boss says he’s never seen it before, causing the polar bear to hit him over the head with it in order to "introduce" them to one another. Hey, sorry bub, but there’s no wit allowed in this cartoon. I’d dare to ask where the polar bear came from, but knowing this show it probably came with the snowstorm from the Rugby Match episode.
Roly and Artichoke are crawling around behind a bush looking for the last remaining shreds of the plot- uh, I mean, the pedestal that Artichoke took the statue from. They find it, and not a moment later Boss and Isaac are following in their footsteps. Boss seems confused that the footsteps lead to the bush, but Isaac points out they must be inside the bush. Boss assumes they must be hiding from him, but Isaac informs him that, "The only thing you do to them is make them laugh. And I mean laugh!" So, he makes them cry, right? Boss declares that he’s going to put them out of action with the hammer. Yeah, cause the action was just getting way too fast-paced up ‘til now. Meanwhile, Roly tells Artichoke to put the statue down carefully, but Artichoke makes too much noise and attracts the attention of the natives and a few Russian guards who say "Huh? What was THAT noise?". Artichoke gets a call on his codec and Roly yells into his ear "Artichoke?! What’s going on…? ARTICHOOOOOKE!"… oh, wait, that’s Metal Gear Solid. Anyway, the natives seem mildly inquisitive until Boss jumps up behind the bush and takes a swing at the Fruitties with his hammer, only to find that it came crashing down on the statue accidentally as Roly and Artichoke had already made a run for it. Darn, could’ve found out what Fruittie brains look like. The natives are furious, though if they truly thought the statue was their god then they should be on their knees worshipping Boss as the only guy who could kill an omnipotent being. They begin firing arrows at the fleeing figure of Boss, and despite Isaac’s attempts to distract them with a dartboard they end up shooting all their arrows into Boss’ rear end. Seriously, that’s where all the arrows land. I guess that’s the punishment for killing a god in the Fruittie-Verse. Ha-ha, promiscuous sex is funny. The stick is not.
Get your sea-legs and continue to part 2!
"The Fruitties" is a product of D'ocon Films Productions. All Fruittie-related material on this website is non-profit and intended merely as a way of paying tribute to the original, probably far superior cartoon. Please, please do not sue me for simply drawing some pictures based on your work! I mean well, I really do... *snff*