By Marko

Hi!!! Wow! Someone’s actually reading my website! Hey, don’t you think it’s just so cool? It’s like my own little place on cyberspace. Like, it’s all about me! Well, not really about me per say, but it’s all MINE!!! And that’s what’s important. Me. Heh, I can’t believe I fooled that dope of an otter into letting me have this website. I thought for sure he’d see through my plans to overthrow his domain and replace it with “Markocomics.com”, but he fell for it hook line and sinker! What a maroon. But anyway, so you’re here! An actual reader! So tell me, what do you think of me? Aren’t I awesome? C’mon, you can tell me. You’ve bought all my albums, and now you want to know the real deal. The truth behind the legend. Well alls I can say is… everything you’ve heard is true. Except for the un-cool stuff. That’s a load of horse-hockey probably spread by guys I’ve beaten up numerous times in the past week or so while having breakfast. But enough about me… What am I saying?! We need a whole section on this site about me. Really, we should. I mean, would anyone really care if they took down "Room For One More" and instead put “Marko: One Rectangle’s Fight For Cool-dom-ness”? In every comic I’m shown in a leather jacket with shades and I fight wave after wave of villainous non-cool-guys in slow motion so you can see just how cool I am when I do kung fu. Except it wouldn’t be me, it’d be my stunt double and we’d have to paste my face onto his body. I mean I can’t risk getting hurt, can I? Otherwise it’d render the entire exercise pointless. I’m supposed to look cool, not retarded. And we know that’s never gonna happen. Is it? Huh? Huh?

Wait, where was I?

Oh yeah! My website! See, I am like a huge fan of this cartoon show “The Fruitties”… not because it’s good or anything, it’s actually kinda lame. But because it’s so lame, it makes me look twice as cool! Which is just ultra-cool. Mega-cool. Googol-cool. But anyway, I liked it so much I wanted to pay tribute to it, so I got this idiot called Martin Billany to teach me how to draw so that I could do my own little version in comic form and make everyone read it over and over again because it’d be funny. Unfortunately he was no help, so I taught myself and after drawing about four strips, lo and behold, I became an expert! Didn’t surprise me all that much obviously, but I know you guys think everything I do is just so amazing so I decided to make it seem like a powerful moment. Anyway, basically I’m going to be updating my comic once a week (unless I get busy having adventures in outer space in that “other” comic and I can’t update as frequently as I’d like) and the rest of the website will also see some updates as time goes by. Be sure to check out the reviews section, it’s sure to contain maxi-cool-hilarity as soon as I get it updated! Oh, and just beneath this super-cool introduction there should be a Guide that I had some guy at an office somewhere compile. Read it and be informed!

Welcome. Bonjour. Guten tag. Heya. It’s good that you decided to check this part of the website, because without it you’re going to be left a tad perplexed by certain bits of the comic and, perhaps, the site in general. I created this page as a guide to explain various bits and pieces of MY Fruitties mythos, and so as not to be confusing I shall inform you as to how this differs (if at all) from the original cartoon created by those lovely folks over at D’Ocon Films. First I will describe the setting of the comic, and then I shall go on to discuss the characters that are (mostly) integral to the plot. Now, take my hand and we’ll venture into a world of whimsy and wonder. Or you could just scroll down.

1) A Brief History of Fruittie Village

1978 – Dr. Hugh Monkus is fired by his superiors at the USA division of RB Science Corp. for delving too far into the field of global domination. Dr. Monkus filed for a lawsuit but since he’d only been hired on as the “coffee guy”, his pleas fell on deaf ears.

1979 – Deciding to go it alone without any official backup, Dr. Monkus attempts to launch a widespread thermonuclear assault on the rest of the world from his lab in Permanence City. His efforts are once again thwarted, this time by a local superhero. After evading capture, he tries for many months to locate a city without a superhero presence. Upon discovering that there is no such thing, he curses the fact that he exists in a comic-book universe and immediately goes into hiding.

1980 – Dr. Monkus discovers a tiny island in the middle of the ocean that just happens to be relatively ignored by the rest of the planet. He ships all his equipment and test studies to the island and sets up a brand new underground laboratory beneath the island. There he prepares to go through with his thermonuclear assault.

1981 – Dr. Monkus looks up the word “thermonuclear” in the dictionary and lets out a long sigh. He’s way out of his league.

1982 – Unsatisfied with the work-rate of his henchman, the human behemoth Glottus, Dr. Monkus decides to work on creating his own army of robot drones to serve his every whim.

1983 – Able to neither produce nor purchase the necessary materials to create more than five working robots, Dr. Monkus calls his friend Ivo Robotnik for some friendly advice. He then completely misinterprets Robotnik’s theory of utilising innocent woodland creatures and begins to amass a new army. Not one of robots, but one made up of the island’s local fauna. He sprays the island’s vegetation with a special kind of chemical that in turn spreads through the plants’ roots and infects the soil. When the animals feed on the vegetation the chemical causes them to go through some drastic changes, but a side effect is that the plant-life also suffers from the sudden influx of chemicals. The result of Dr. Monkus’ vicious experiment is a large number of animals and vegetables that can walk, talk, and do what humans do. Unfortunately, they’re all a bunch of slackers.

1984 – After an entire year’s worth of struggling to get his variety of plans in motion, Dr. Monkus finally decides to cast the worthless army out of his laboratory and into the jungle where they belong. His final words to his army are “Let’s see how you survive without me!”

1985 – The sapient plants and animals do a bloody good job of surviving, while Dr. Monkus remains in the secluded fortress of his own design wishing he had even half the social life of one of the island’s resident chickpeas. The effects of the chemical Dr. Monkus has sprayed all over the island become even more intense, and now all plants and animals that stay in the area too long become super-intelligent. Oddly enough, low-flying seagulls decide to use their newfound wisdom to make themselves better at aiming when attempting to poop on someone’s head.

1986 – A diverse portion of the sapient creatures made up entirely of fruit and vegetables bands together to build their very own village. This display of non-slacking is seen as an affront by the rest of the group, so the two sects split off from one another. The animals decide to roam the island doing nothing but eat, sleep, and lick themselves… whilst the new clan of “Fruitties” instead opt to live inside huts under a governing body with rules and regulations that dictate their way of live, thus distinguishing themselves from the more primitive culture that resides on the island. Of course they also continue to eat, sleep, and lick themselves, but such things are done only in the privacy of their own huts. This division between the animals and the plants is not seen as one of aggression, although to this day there still exists a slight tension between the two groups.

1990 – A lone human is washed up on the shores of the island. The Fruitties take him in and listen to his tales of the lands far away, but his reaction to their own society seems less than hospitable. On numerous occasions he attempts to eat the citizens of the island, forcing the Fruitties to exile him from their village. It is unknown as to whether or not he still survives in the thick jungles surrounding the village, but the Fruitties do not truly consider him their enemy. In fact, it is this incident that teaches them to be hospitable towards outsiders.

1992 – In one of his many attempts to enslave humanity and take his place as ruler of the universe, Dr. Monkus constructs a small group of female humans using only a simple mixture of seasonings. He names them “The Girls of Spice” and sends them out into the world to decrease the intelligence of every human they come in contact with using their “power”. He’s still waiting on the results.

1995 – The very first Fruittie death occurs. A ten-year-old apple, believed to be known as “Apple”, was found in his living room having been deceased for a number of days. A thin layer of green fuzz is found growing on the underside of his outer skin. Witnesses claim that “Apple” had been seen running around the village badmouthing people and generally being a nuisance. Scientists deduce that he had just “gone bad”.

1997 – Pak the Banana is born. Even his parents have to comment on how bland his personality seems to be.

1999 – The population of Fruittie Village reaches a staggering two hundred people. The newly elected Mayor Strawberry proposes a party in honour of this historic moment, and the celebration commences almost instantaneously. The animals of the island are invited to join in and things are going swimmingly until a few coconuts get drunk on seawater. Nevertheless, the party is turned into an annual event. Alas, the significance of such a thing is lessened by the fact that the Fruitties take almost any opportunity to throw a party. In fact, the very next day Mayor Strawberry announces the first ever “Hangover Festival”. The less said about that one the better.

2000 – Roly the Pineapple is born. Unaware of his future career as a poet, ironically the first few words that come out of his mouth have more of a poetic sound to them than anything else he’ll ever say afterwards. But then, it’s hard to screw up “Ga ga, goo goo”.

2001 – Dr. Monkus grows tired of the noise from all the parties that the Fruitties seem to be throwing nearly every night, so he declares that his secondary goal shall be to wipe them off the face of the planet. He gets two steps away from blowing up their island before finally remembering that he lives there too.

2002 – Roly writes his first poem. Hey, it may not seem all that significant, but trust me he’d want it written here.

2003 – Roly is exiled from Fruittie Village for almost destroying the entire town, shortly before the human girl Kumba is washed up on the shores of the island.

2) The Fruitties: A Primitive Society?

It’s important to note that my version of the Fruitties does indeed conflict a great deal with the original vision of D’Ocon. Not nearly as important as the fact that the title of this section is a RHETORICAL question, so all those of you who are sending me e-mails that read “OMG WTF FRUITTIES? PRIMITIVE? LOL! J/K!” can just hold it right there, thank you very much. You see, the cartoon show depicts the Fruittie society as a rather pleasant one; they hold annual parties, sporting events, they know how to operate TVs that randomly wash up on their shores, they can build hot air balloons, etc. Now this is all well and good, but in my opinion it ruins the credibility of what should be a rather simple concept, i.e. a little girl is stranded on a desert island where everything’s DIFFERENT and she has NO MEANS OF ESCAPE. If she winds up on this island only to find herself forced to live in a society that doesn’t look that far separated from our own (excluding the fact that it’s populated by a myriad of talking food items) then what’s the point of even setting the show on a desert island? How do the Fruitties know the rules to football, or the logic behind powering a hot air balloon, if they’ve never had any real contact with a member of our advanced society outside of a pre-pubescent girl? Okay, so football isn’t that hard to invent since it’s just a lot of grunting and running through fields of mud, but you have to admit it’s highly doubtful that they’d invent an exact replica of our version of the game all by themselves. In short, the Fruitties on the TV show are far too advanced. So much so that it presents us with glaring plot-holes. If they have a hot air balloon, why not use that to send Kumba home? If they know how to operate heavy machinery, why are they still living in miniscule huts that can’t even keep rainwater out? Heck, if they know so bloody much, why do they still live on mud and clay? Seriously, that’s their diet.

And so, I set about attempting to remedy these flaws for my interpretation of the Fruittie-Verse. First of all, the Fruitties have no means of leaving the island. That is a huge no-no. The moment they leave the island, the premise is ruined. This meant removing all traces of high-tech equipment and gadgetry from Fruittie Village (there’s one episode of the cartoon where Kumba tells Pak that she’s just been using the INTERNET in Fruittie Village) and turning them into a very primitive people with only a faint notion of what exists beyond their ocean (obviously they’ve witnessed planes and boats travelling nearby, but the rest can only be pure speculation). Basically the only real materials the Fruitties have at their disposal on this island are various types of rocks and wood, so anything much more advanced than a rowing boat is going to be out of their range. They DO have knowledge of simple things, such as fire and the wheel and setting fire to wheels, so they’re not quite as low down as our ancestors the cavemen. But they really had to be primitive else the set-up of an American girl who takes advantage of the things our culture bestows upon us wouldn’t work quite so well, so really I wanted Kumba to have to deal with the bizarre problems that would come up on an island full of sentient fruit and vegetables (e.g. what exactly is she going to live on?). I suppose it works as a contrast to the comic “The Tongue” (cheap plug alert) where a man who’s tired of his existence on our world finds himself plunged into an advanced galaxy. Of course, you could always ask how the Octids know how to play Yahtzee… but that’s a question for the guy who draws a tribute to that awful comic to ask.

3) The Fruit Is Out There

Feel free to start whistling the X-Files theme as you read that last heading. Admit it, you know you want to. The nostalgia is too overpowering. Uh, anyway, as I was saying… Consider the Fruitties; they are walking (yes indeed) and they’re talking (yes indeed) fruit with arms and legs and eyes and, presumably, a heart just like you and me and the rest of the human race. Except for your 3rd year primary school teacher, she was just heartless, so nothing like her. Oh, you know who I’m talking about. Anyway, my point is that these are clearly some majorly unique fruit we got goin’ on here. I mean these guys aren’t the kind of fruit you see stuffed into street stalls like so many Japanese businessmen, nor are they the kind of fruit whose lifestyle tends to be frowned upon by the Catholic Church. These guys are mutant fruit. Fruitants, if you will. And seeing as how they’re off living on some remote desert island, we can assume that these guys are the only talking/walking fruit in existence, right? I mean, otherwise why base an entire show around Kumba ending up having to live with these guys if they’re everywhere?

Uh-oh, there we go again, thinking logically. See, in the cartoon we’re supposed to assume that Fruitties exist all over the world. From Alaska, to France, to Mexico… all over the darn place! I mean, what in the heck? And not only that, but the main group of Fruitties often take trips to visit their relatives in these other countries. All the while Kumba sits on the desert island and waits for her own parents to come looking for her, I suppose. Well that’s just swell. Not only does it make the Fruitties seem cold-hearted to their friend who’s in dire need of aid, but it also makes the Fruitties who live in Fruittie Village seem far less special. I mean, what, are we supposed to assume that all fruit everywhere is secretly alive and we just don’t know about it? Come on! That concept worked in Toy Story because kids WANT to think their toys are alive, it’s a powerful imaginative tool, but FRUIT?! Kids will run screaming behind the sofa every time mom serves up anything fruit and/or vegetable related. Or they’ll be like me, and they’ll try to eat as much fruit as possible in order to rid the world of this horrible plague of fruitants.

Okay, okay, I’m being a tad harsh. To think that Fruitties exist everywhere isn’t that bad an idea. But I do think that as a plot device it isn’t very good. I mean, in the cartoon not only is Kumba “stranded” on an island with several different ways of leaving, but she’s also surrounded by Fruitties who are apparently just a tiny part of a huge community. So immediately her situation no longer looks grim nor does she (or the village) seem isolated. It all adds up, people. In other words, I had to scrap the notion that the Fruitties are everywhere. I felt it was too vague to say “Oh well, they’re everywhere, that’s it” and not tell you why they even exist, not to mention how their race managed to spread itself all over the globe. It worked in Dawn of the Dead, but not here mister. So for starters I had to give them a decent origin story that made sense (sorta). Now, you’ll notice that on this island the animals also walk and talk and have personalities. This was also true in the cartoon, but they did not give ALL the animals personalities and instead chose to have some animals remain as simple as they are in real life. I felt this was too inconsistent, but managed to work something out of it… See, my theory (and this is what holds true for the comic) is that Dr. Hugh Monkus settled on this island to perform his evil experiments well out of reach of the good-natured citizens of the planet. He realised he couldn’t do all the work on his own, so he decided to build a race of obedient robots to do the hard work for him. He then noticed that he couldn’t afford all the parts required to build the patented Obedient Robot Army (plus those decals are so hard to stick on) and immediately decided to use the natural resources around him to create his very own army of minions. Well, as usual, this went wrong, and he ended up with a bunch of useless animals and fruit drones who couldn’t understand simple concepts like geothermal wave conductors and how to destroy entire cities with little more than the flick of a switch. So he tried to destroy them but the batteries on his Destructo-Ray were running a little low so he just let them escape to live freely on the island since they’d all die a fiery death anyway once he took over the world.

See? I explained why the Fruitties exist, why the animals on the island talk, and why there’s an evil psychotic genius who just happens to live next door to them. All things that the cartoon failed to expand upon, and yet I managed to tie them all together quite easily. Plus, as you’ll see in future strips, I explain why Dr. Monkus eventually gets turned into a monkey. See, the cartoon didn’t explain why there could be an evil psychotic monkey with a huge laboratory while every other animal chose to remain in the eat/sleep/mate cycle. The cartoon just assumed we’d accept it, as though children don’t care about this sort of thing. Well I know better. And until this pineapple on my desk stands up and starts talking to me, I refuse to accept the cartoon’s version of-

Oh… it IS talking to me. Uh, wait, no, I’ve just forgotten to take my pills. ‘scuse me just a sec.

4) Oh god where are my pills they were just here oh no-

I mean, uh…

4) A Good Cast Deserves a Second Look

In this section I plan to give you a more thorough description of the characters involved in the comic.

See?

Roly
As his theme song so ironically points out, “Roly oh Roly, he’s a genius genius!” Of course, he isn’t a genius. This is just how he perceives himself. He’s really a lazy, good-for-nothing slob. Much like most of you who are reading this. And your girlfriends. And me. So immediately he becomes the most sympathetic character in the comic. He’s a pineapple who thinks of himself as something of an artist, a poet if you may. Of all the Fruitties in the Fruittie-Verse, Roly is the one people tend to look down on the most. In fact, the only character that looks up to Roly at all is the naïve cactus known as Thorny. Roly takes advantage of Thorny’s loyalty as best he can, but you can be sure that deep down Roly does indeed have a certain fondness of the green fellow. All in all, Roly represents the very heart of what makes the Fruitties special… this being their ability to not do anything in particular. He likes sleeping and eating mud, but dislikes strain and most other people.

Thorny
Thorny is a dopey little thing who doesn’t seem to have a bad bone in his body. This would probably be because he doesn’t have any bones in his body, being of Fruittie origin and all. He is a cactus, a foreigner to these here parts, and he arrived on the island when being shipped via plane to a rich person’s estate. The unlikely circumstances aside, his arrival has been nothing less than a joy for all the Fruitties who have come to know him. He’s friendly and eager to please, though he spends far too much time with Roly and thus finds himself on the receiving end of a great deal of both verbal and physical punishment. Having come all the way from Texas, his accent makes him rather hard to understand at times, but this doesn’t bother Roly as he’s often far too busy ignoring everybody to care. Thorny likes pretty much everything but dislikes his spines, as they’re almost always the reason that girls blow him off.

Pak
Pak is a banana. But don’t let his comical appearance fool you; he isn’t funny in the least. His personality is as plain as any given member of the British royal family, although Pak is slightly more influential than they are. He’s the straight man in this particular group of fruits, and believe me when I say that it shows (don’t read too much into that). He’s always carrying a backpack around on his shoulders, though he’s never revealed what happens to be inside. Speculation runs rampant, though knowing Pak it’s probably just a few books and his lunch. See, you expected this paragraph to be funny, didn’t you? Well, just like Pak, it’s not. Move along. Nothing to see here. Show’s over.

Kumba
Kumba is a sweet, innocent little girl who winds up in one of the worst places on the face of the earth entirely by happenstance. During a storm out at sea, she was separated from her parents as they tried to escape the sinking cruise ship they were on. When she came to, Kumba found herself on the isle of the Fruitties where her adventures would surely begin. Either that or she’d go insane, one or the other. Upon meeting the various inhabitants of the island, Kumba quickly became close friends with everyone almost overnight. The Fruitties liked her warm-hearted cheer, and she liked the fact that all her jokes seemed funny and original to these out-of-touch villagers. Kumba is also one of the few people in existence to like Roly, for she believes he does indeed have a heart deep down. Either that or she just hasn’t spent enough time with him to know what a real jerk he is.

Mayor Strawberry
Strawberry is the senile old codger who somehow managed to get elected twice in a row as mayor of Fruittie Village. Perhaps it’s because if he didn’t have the job he’d be busy talking somebody’s ears off about the good old days, or maybe it’s just because people genuinely like the fact that he sees absolutely no reason to alter their current lifestyle. Some people think Mayor Strawberry is just a figurehead for an underground Fruittie organisation whose sole purpose is to make sure their society never manages to develop far enough to leave the shores of the island and discover the rest of the world, but those people are just paranoid. Now stare into this device and repeat after me: “There is no underground organisation”. *FLASH*

Dr. Monkus
Dr. Hugh Monkus is the maniac who just happens to be solely responsible for the genesis of the Fruittie civilisation. Without Dr. Monkus ridiculous aspirations to become ruler of the globe, there would be no Fruittie Village. So is he a blessing, or a curse? We cannot be sure… but we do know this: he’s here to stay. Rarely crossing paths, Dr. Monkus and the Fruitties lived in a bizarre sort of harmony until Monkus grew tired of the Fruitties’ constant partying habits and decided he was going to blast them into a thousand pieces if it was the last thing he did. Evil to the core, he is seconded by his immense assistant Glottus who somehow manages to bumble every scheme that Monkus concocts. Not that they would have worked if they were placed in the hands of a capable second-in-command, but at least it gives Monkus somebody to blame for all his shortcomings. And after all, isn’t that what everyone wantx? Oh, geez, I made a typo. Well, I’ll just blame it on you for not paying enough attention to my writing. Feh.